Mending Shattered Relations!!

Life skills by रहीम दास जी- You must not shatter relations for Ego

प्रेम का नाता नाज़ुक होता है। इसे झटका देकर तोड़ना उचित नहीं होता। यदि यह प्रेम का धागा एक बार टूट जाता है, तो फिर इसे मिलाना कठिन होता है और यदि मिल भी जाए तो टूटे हुए धागों के बीच में गाँठ पड़ जाती है।

Yet another morning, he waved and said: “hey, I will be late tonight!”

The wife was once again exasperated, she responded “tell me something new! It's been the fourth week you are saying you will be late! What makes you say that? Don't you feel the need to come home early, stay and enjoy spending time with us? Lately, this is becoming a routine affair or just an affair?”

The door was shut and he was gone! Leaving behind the racing thoughts, and why not? This was the first time when the lines were crossed.

The entire day went by, she believed, he did it intentionally only to prove his point and satisfy his ego! That day she was flustered than ever, furious than ever, she didn't cook, she didn't call, instead, she locked the door, and she was asleep!

The other side of the wall had a different story, he had a corporate visit, his boss was here who kept on arguing upon his promotion as she wanted to give him a salary hike and a promotion which meant location change, however, he sought only the salary hike as he wanted to now settle with his wife forever after 3 years of marriage yet being into separate living also he didn't want his daughter to change her school.

Being a VP at one of the busiest Hospital in the City, he only had emergencies the entire day! A few critical cases, brain damage, heart transplants, kidney transplants, rare immune disorders, VIP visits and many more such series of events made the entire day chaotic, and his day too went by, while coming back he was content and certain, he will make it this time too…

But who knew that the moment he’s gonna knock on the door, he will find out the wife’s asleep, the door’s locked and soon he would be facing another dilemma of going back 25 kilometers to bring another set of keys which he has left in his car while the car was punctured midway or to stay at some hotel nearby, looking at the heavy rain and bad weather he decided upon staying at the hotel and things changed between them since then.

It was months later, when finally on knowing the truth she felt awful for not being able to trust his husband and for not being able to help him throughout and for not being able to make a call to him and for not being able to relinquish her ego.

It's a regular affair for most of us, how much we try not to yell, how much we try not to exchange blows, we end up ruining our relations, end up saying things, which hurt the other person.

We Google a lot and Google gives us the weirdest of weird responses...

1.     Meditate

2.     Count till 10

3.     Leave the room

4.     Do not argue any further

5.     Do not use harsh words

6.     Postpone the conversation

7.     Deep breath and relax

8.     Understand what triggers you

9.     Don't blame them

Trust me the list is endless and every point is worth the time spent...

Nevertheless, what to do if once the damage is already done? When is the time to move on? When one must know it is the time to start over the ruined relationship? And what to do and how to handle any situation already gone bad?

For this to resolve, here’s the tip…

Keep in mind this phrase and remind it to yourself more often “It's you and them versus the problem and not you versus them fighting for who has the bigger problem”, No this isn’t mine, read it somewhere, loved it, and instantly decided to share it with you.

Second, try not to cross lines, stay within the boundaries, it is you who’s responsible for your relations, however, even when the damage is already done now is the time to pen down the answers to the following questions

Between me, they (He/She) and the Relation that you two share, what is most important?

Is it I, give your relation and the person a second thought!

Then why are you into this relation at all? What are you gaining out of it? Since this is the state of mind that manifests the problem and not the problem that changes the state of mind, at every mental state if the answer is I AM IMPORTANT, then Why are you being in such a relationship needs to be answered immediately, no relation and no person has the right to take over your happiness and contentment. Is your relationship becoming toxic to your health? Are you compromising to a level where you feel only you are important and you don’t care about the other person?

If the answer is they (He/She),

Are you compromising with yourself? Here compromising is not a synonym for Anger Management.

But still, if they are important then why so much ego in the first place if they are so important to you and if they need all the happiness and if you two aren’t happy together….

Remember, we never pluck flowers because we love them, we understand keeping them with us would cause a bigger damage to them, so when they are so dear to us  and we want to keep them forever what we do is keeping the entire plant  with us along with its fragrance-beauty and thorns, though they do hurt us sometimes, but the love is beyond the hurt.

Water the plant every day to make sure it grows and grows because we know that we have accepted them and we want to keep them the way they are and ready to take care and support even if their thorns might hurt us sometimes, or we leave them right away, to never turn back, let someone else take good care of them.

If the answer is the relationship, be there forever.

When the relationship that you share is above everything else and is the most important thing, now is the time to let go of your ego at every point, take an initiative, apologize and don't feel bad, do not ever count that apology in future arguments (which are inevitable), sit and make them understand what you like and what you don’t, things which are unacceptable at any given point of time, and both of you needs to respect each other’s boundaries, every relationship has some limits, no one has got right to cross those, you can never have a rose plant without its thorns, you can never Climb a mountain without pain, you can never achieve anything without hard work, why not put a little hard work in your relations?

It is OKAY to apologize and let go of your ego, it is OK to say sorry, but it is important to understand the relationship that you share is worth more than you and I.